This ain't no Mexican donkey show

Wow.

Words to describe my solo weekend roadtrip to Milwaukee:

Wild. Painful. Inappropriate. Carefree. Fun. Drunk. Rockin'. Thrifty. Classy. Classless. Loud. Fast. Can I mention painful again?

And most of all:

Phenomenal.

Let's start at the beginning.

Once upon a few weeks ago, Mike took a vacation with a few friends that involved going to breweries and a strip club and drunk dialing my cousin Erin. In his defense, neither one of us had really let loose in a long time.

Jealousy kicked in. I told him he could take his vacation as long as I got to take a little roadtrip of my own. Of course he agreed to it because his trip hinged on his approval.

When it came to be my turn, I picked Milwaukee. My cousin lives there with her husband, and Ryan's band had a gig scheduled for this past Saturday. It was set. I would leave Friday and come back Sunday. Four-and-a-half hours of driving and car singing, and a whole weekend to relax.

I didn't get there until late Friday, so we went to dinner and saw some local attractions like the Trader Joes. Can you believe it? I finally saw one. And then we went there and this is all the closer I got:

It was closed.

We went to a 10:30PM movie - I Love You, Man (hilarious!!!) - at a luxury movie theatre. The kind of theatre that has assigned seating. The kind of theatre that has a fully stocked bar. The kind of theatre with chairs that rock, literally.

We went home, and since Erin is an early riser, we let poopy pants go to sleep and Ryan and I rocked out in the basement. He played guitar and I proved that I should never sing. Ever. Even in the shower. Please, think of the children.

Then we watched completely irreverent and childish skits like SNL's Jizz In My Pants and

Because yes, I am a 13-year-old boy and find these things funny.

Saturday morning, Erin and I took some girl time and went shopping. Crate & Barrel, Coach, Kohl's, Express... we caused some damage. With coupons. Oh yeah, we went shopping with coupons because we are awesome and would sell our mothers down the river for a new Coach handbag.

I found these Vera Wang shoes for $35 and thought, Hey, these look like great shoes to go to a bar in. What the hell was I thinking???

Ryan's band, Behind the Curve, is a rock cover band, and they are awesome. This video is loud and the vocals don't come through very well in a few spots, but they are a riot to watch in person.

Killing in the Name Of - Behind the Curve

I mostly hung out with Erin and Katie, and then a bunch of married - or so they said - men Ryan knew who thought it would be fun to keep buying us drinks. At about six beers in two hours, I turned to Erin and uttered those fateful words: I can't believe I'm not even buzzed yet.

Can you imagine that after three more beers, I was falling on my ass in those four-inch heels?

We were laughing so hard at my inability to walk. I could talk, think, see, everything... but my legs wouldn't cooperate. I knew I was in trouble as soon as we left the bar. They thought I was joking as I yelled for someone to help me: I need a chaperone!!! Then I fell down and started laughing hysterically. Five college guys walked by and started cheering at the fact that a guy was helping a drunk chick out of a bar. Classy. Then I started laughing at the guys cheering and fell down again.

We danced. We went to another bar and danced some more to 80s music. I fell down. We danced. I fell down. We walked on the sidewalk. I fell down. (By the way, Ryan is a terrible helper if I fell down all those times while he was "holding me up." Unless he found it funny, and in that case, you're a punkass mutha.)

As we drove home at 1:30AM, we debated whose responsibility it was to drunk dial Mike.

Since I wasn't yet finished with my evening, we had a nightcap and watched Dead Man On Campus. Mark Paul Gosselaar. Yummy. Then I passed out on top of my bed with my bar clothes on.

I woke up extremely exhausted, with burning rock-hard thighs (hahaha... I'm not kidding!), a stiff neck and a completely numb middle toe. I would do it again in a heartbeat!

I left for home at 2 o'clock. I was so sad that my weekend of debauchery was over, but I was happy to be seeing my monkeys... all four of them.

One more thing... If anyone has blackmail pictures, please send them my way before posting them online. Thanks for your consideration.