Yeah, I'm going to hell. Don't bother with the hate mail.
Why can't I find any normal adults to hang out with? Okay, that came out wrong. How about: people who won't throw holy water at me while chanting when I speak.
Every person in the last month to invite me out (save one: Malea - thanks, girl) has been of the uber-religious, saving the world in God's name and talking about it 24/7 variety. That is soooooooo not me. Did I even have to say it?
It wouldn't be a big deal, but I keep getting invites to go to their churches. Is it recruitment month? Or maybe they think I need saved from the depths of hell. I should save them the trouble and tell them I have my handbasket packed with wine and porn and I'm ready to roll.
Church can't be the hoppingest place to take a new friend, can it? What about taking the kids to the park together? Or meeting for lunch at your or my house? Why does it always have to involve learning lessons about God? I went to Catholic school for 6 years to do that. Jesus turned water into wine. Lesson learned. (Let's drink!) I don't think He ever mentioned bake sales.
Can't we just sit around and talk about boobs and swear words and why we haven't had sex in over a month? Because really... over a month. These are the important issues at hand.
Thank God for my sister, my parents, and Malea. And of course my tease of a husband, the man I've managed to offend only one time in over 10 years. This is why I pledge my eternal love...
I'd join a cult to make some new friends, but there are just so many to choose from.
And I really, really like Kool-Aid.
14 comments:
Laughing my ass off over here! Is this the reason why you want to come live with your adoptive family in CA?
YES!!! Will you have me? I come with good references!
Hey I think we should be included in the list with your parents, sister, and Malea. You have now officially offended me :-) Any more word on Thanksgiving?
Erin - You don't live close enough, beehatch! :) Unless you want me to drive to your house this week solely for drinks.
I'll email you later or call.
All I have to say is WORD.
I want to wear a t-shirt that says "Anti-christ: Keep back 500 feet"
Because otherwise, your salvation becomes a pet project.
You are hilarious Loren. But you live in IOWA! Uhhhh, HELLO!!! Move to Vegas, baby. Nobody will be inviting you to CHURCH!! LMAO!
I'll pray for you.
Can you pack that handbasket for two? The more the merrier ;0)
I completely hear you on this! My husband and I have some friends that we really love, only that THE LORD keeps cropping up in conversation with them. We have so much in common with them, except this LORD stuff. GEEZ, people, we invited YOU out to dinner, not THE LORD. I mean, nothing against Him or anything, but... you gonna eat the rest of your enchilada?
(Found you through Google Reader. Smart app, that.)
hahaha...don't worry, you'll get your fill of 'dirty talk' on Saturday...you'll be begging for church when your ears are bleeding from our discussions on bodily fluids, cooters, donkey punches, hot carls, etc., you know the basics. :) had fun with you yesterday, love you!
P.S. See you Saturday ~ I'll pick you up @ 11:30-ish. Wear something skanky. :)
Loren, You make me laugh and I have felt similar with some of my "more religious" friends. I am sure it would surprise you that I work at a church!!!! :)
Nanette
LOL, Nanette :)
I promise not to hold it against you!
Thanks for not holding it against me :) I am actually a very liberal Christian (who works for a moderately liberal church that is in a very liberal denomination)and yes, the two words "liberal Christian" can go together and make a coherent statement. LOL
Well if you didn't live on the other side of the state I would consider seeing if you are really a woman with three kids or a balding 68 year old man pretending to be a woman with 3 kids ;). If you were the latter I think I would still want to meet you because how hilariously twisted would someone have to be to make up your life?! It would explain the no sex for over a month thing come to think of it...
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